he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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