just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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