You just made me feel so damn special
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
