Im at strip club and am horny
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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