the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
