You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
