The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize