I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Can Purell be used as lube?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My cat gives me a boner
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
