Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
