He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
