There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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