i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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