I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
