just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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