Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
