Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
