WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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