I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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