i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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