My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
