I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
