after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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