He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
