he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
