Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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