I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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