Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize