I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
