PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
