he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
