Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
