If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
