I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
