And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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