Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
