i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
