What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
