Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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