we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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