it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
