i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
