How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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