WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
