PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
