This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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