when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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