I wanna bring you to show and tell
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
