I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
