I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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