I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
