im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
