babies were throwing up all over the place
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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