You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I lost the right to judge tonight
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
