so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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