homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
