Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
