My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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