I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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