My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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