Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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